Week 5: And It All Comes Crashing Down...

The JLI 63.48 vs. Redding Hornets 94.24

FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

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I feel like the fucking HULK! The angrier I get, the larger my table-throwing guy (who from henceforth will be known as Steve) and his table get. I mean, Jesus Christ what a terrible week. Ugh, I need to a joke to calm me down.

Knock, knock

Who's there?

The lowest scoring team in the league

The lowest scoring team in the league who?

*smarmy look*

Well, are you going to answer me? Fine, let me just check the weekly scores and...SONOVABITCH!!! Imma gonna kill you, you smug, poor joke telling ASSHOLE! Get over here! Dammit, where is my Scorpion spear? I always misplace my needlessly violent video game character props.

Let's just get this over with.

What I Liked (Besides Brett Keisel's Beard)

1. Production at RB!

Finally! Both my running backs managed to score what they were projected to hit! What a novel fucking concept! It's all the more miraculous considering Jamaal Charles played in a 9-6 game which means no TDs were scored, but he still kciked and screamed his way to 140 rush yards and 21 receiving yards. I didn't the game, but I imagine the lack of TD(s) was due to Romeo Crennel deciding to insert one-hit wonder Peyton Hillis at goal line situations. That's like saying in 1984 "Yeah, I know we got MJ to perform at the AMAs, but let's close with Cutting Crew. They're going places!" (Full disclosure, I Just Died in Your Arms is god damn gold!)

Donald Brown gets love too. Clutch 2 point conversion to give me extra points. Awesome. I'm hoping the lack of TDs does not become a season long issue, but beggars can't be choosers. I mean, they could be choosers, but everyone would just look at you like you're an asshole so it's just generally frowned upon.

2. There is no #2

Did you not see the score above? How the hell am I supposed to find a second thing to like when I got blowed out by 31 points and scored the least amount of points in the ENTIRE LEAGUE!?! I cannot emphasize that point strongly enough. Fun fact - 72% of all primates who chose their fantasy football team by flinging feces at the screen and selecting whichever name they could read through the poop-splattered screen scored more points than I did. GAH!!!

What I Didn't Like

Lube up and get ready because I'm about to have some FUN!

1. Shitty, Shitty QBs

And you thought I gave Jay Cutler a thorough dressing down week 2. Holy shitballs. What I'm about to do to Joe Flacco and Ryan Fitzpatrick will make Jay Cutler's lambasting look like the a teacher correcting their students during a rehersal to a kindergarten holiday assembly. Time to get all R. Lee Ermey on their asses.

Jesus Fucking Christ you maggots! And I thought my shit stank! You two pathetic excuses for QB wouldn't even make the cut for a Pop Warner team! You are both a disgrace to the uniforms you wear (except you Fitz. I mean, you really can't disgrace a Bills jersey. Same way you can't make a $2 Amsterdam whore feel ashamed no matter how hard you try. Not that I'm speaking from personal experience or anything...hehe...OMIGOD LOOK AT THAT LARGE DISTRATCING OBJECT!)

Joe, 187 passing yards, 1 INT, 14 rush yards. 7.88 points AND YOU WERE MY HIGH SCORING QB! Fitz, 126 passing yards, 1 INT, 1 rushing yard. 4.14 points. Let me repeat that...4.14 FUCKING POINTS!. I scored 5 fantasy points waking up in the morning, adjusting my overnight erection, and scratching my ass without face planting when I roll out of bed. If i had to choose between watching these two shitty performances again or the extended director's cut of Requiem for a Dream, I'd...well...OK...that's a tougher choice than I had initially expected. Shit, this is like the Sophie's Choice of soul-crushing. Requiem for a Dream is a beautiful movie but god damn it permenantly fucks your mind, just like my QBs did this week. Fuck it! Gimme the DVD!

2. Shitty, Shitty WRs

12.80 points sounds like a solid line for a WR right? It is. My 12.80 points came from THE COMBINED SCORE OF ALL 3 OF MY WRs! Not 1, not 2, but all fucking 3! AND AGAIN, THESE WERE MY 3 HIGHEST SCORING WRs! One bench WR was on the bye; the other is injured. Where did I go wrong?

Brandon Lloyd, you son of a bitch. How the hell are your scoring so poorly? Tom Brady is your QB. He made borderline fantasy WRs out of Jabar Gaffney and Donte Stallworth! You blew it up in 2010-2011. 11 TDs. 1,448 receiving yards. You have the talent. Don't tell me you need Jay Cutler throwing you the ball?!? Are you trying to tell me that you struggle when you have a Hall of Fame QB who knows how to read a DEF and goes through his progressions properly instead of a gunslinger who always favors one specific WR and is willing to throw jump balls and other passes he has no business throwing due to the off-chance you can use your physical abilities to make a play...OH GODDAMMIT WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THIS EARLIER?!?

I knew Andre Roberts was just a bye week fill in. This is what I get for trusting the QB situation in Arizona. And I don't know what's happened in Cincy but Andre Hawkins is going nowhere fast after a promising start. I'm so going to regret that boast he would outscore Randall Cobb huh?

I could go on another 3-4 points but we'll end it here mercifully.

Quick Hits

• Won't lie, I'm pretty spent after the What I Didn't Like segment so I'll be even more brief than usual
• Every season, there is a game like this. No matter how well you draft your team, you will have a stinker. This is either a portend for things to come or an outlier that will be statistically correct in the future by dealing an asskicking to some other poor schmo. I have no clue which I am at this point.
• I think my BP right now is like 176/121. Maybe I should try to relax more, eh?
• Re: above suggestion - Never going to happen

Roster Changes

• None. Not a single one. What does that say about my boundless optimism? To be fair, Hakeem Nicks will play, Denarius Moore is off the bye. So is Mikel Leshoure. It's essentially a roster turnover. The only difference is the scrubs are going to the bench instead the waiver wire. I am really hoping I can salvage something out of this mess. Meh, we'll see.

Starting Lineup for Week 6

• QB - Joe Flacco
• WR1 - Brandon Lloyd
• WR2 - Hakeem Nicks
• WR3 - Denarius Moore
• RB1 - Jamaal Charles
• RB2 - Mikel Leshoure
• TE - Rob Gronkowski
• K - Matt Bryant
• DEF - ARI

Conclusion

OK, let's regroup and hope I don't get Bye Week fucked like that again unless I get bought a nice dinner first. Like filet mignon nice. Or lobster tail. At minimum, 2 lbs. of King Alaskan Snow Crab legs. Oh, and a couple of glasses of a nice, dry chianti or pinot noir. AND NO COUPONS! If I'm going to get fucked, you're paying full price buddy! My current Fantasy Football mood is Sam Rockwell in Moon.

Week 4: Dance Hall Days

The JLI 104.64 vs. 2 Mannings 1 Cup 77.36

2 in a row! Now that's what I'm talking about. See, you don't panic when the season starts unexpectantly.

I have a confession to make. I'm not proud to say this, but I lied to you. I changed my roster before Sunday so what you see listed on my previous post is nothing more than a falsehood. I stand before to humbly accept my apology...WHO AM I KIDDING? I won. That's all that matters.

Between my last post and game time on Sunday I decided to make a few edits. I swapped in Jimmy Graham for Rob Gronkowski and Denarius Moore for Hakeem Nicks. In the latter case, Nicks was a late scratch from the lineup so that happens. In the former, I won't lie. I had noticed how each week, I was alternating Graham and Gronk. So far, it had been working. Whoever I started scored more than the guy I benched. But then I started thinking "It can't be as easy as simply starting Graham, then Gronk, then Graham, then Gronk and just alternate them each week. It doesn't work like that." So my brain overrode my gut and said start Graham two weeks in a row. Be a rebel!

And yet my instinct said Gronk. Many of my decisions are based are the great "Choke it Out" theory. I'll explain. If there is a decision to be made, go with the answer you would give if someone was choking you to death and will only release the hold when you blurt on answer. I couldn't find a link to the video at YouTube, but it's from an episode of The League. It also involved erections and knives, but I digress. Bottom line, when the answer hits like lightning, don't overanalyze, just do it! Like Nike, expect with fewer workers rights violations hopefully.

What I Liked (Besides Joe Flacco's Eyebrows)

1. Jamaal Charles Keeping It Up

And by up, I mean his penis. Just kidding. Truth be told, I don't know if he gets hard when he's running for 88 yards and scoring a rushing and a receiving TD for a total of 19.10 points. It's not my place to judge. He did lose two fumbles so if he is popping wood, it is not scaring away people from diving into the pile with him. That's why the pros gets paid so much money. They're willing to be under a pile of large men while potentially going facemask to full tumescence. He's my early season MVP and for that, I will send him flowers because that's how I show my love (no homo...maybe a little homo...eh).

2. Matt Bryant says Don't Call It a Comeback!

It looks like Atlanta's coaching staff got my angry emails and snarky message board comments I leave on their homepage. What? Look, the Internet Elite are still using messaging boards. I'm cool. I'm hip. Look at Mike Smith. You can't tell that guy isn't on 4chan. I bet he trolls like nobody's business. It's always the quiet ones who ends up posting morally questionable content and slipping goatse links to your work email addy (and as tempting as it is to link to goatse, I'm not gonna because if I haven't seen it by now, shame on you. And by shame, I mean continuing to live your life in a blissful state of ignorance for never have seen a man stretching his anus to Olympic sized proportions). So I know he got my manifesto on the psychological advantage on kicking FGs as opposed to TDs. It all made sense when I wrote it at 3:12am hopped up on NOS and Starbursts. Anyway, 14.00 points so I won't drop him until his bye week. Man, I am one loyal dude.

What I Didn't Like

1. Chan Mother-Fucking Gailey

You can call this sour grapes, but whatever. I specifically picked up Fred Jackson because C.J. Spiller's shoulder looked like it would need a few weeks to heal after the Cleveland game and Jackson was going to be the clear cut #1 RB and running the football is the ONE thing the Bills can do. And what does Chan do? Decides he'll use a 60% healthy Spiller AND Jackson to kill all fantasy owners who thought they were sly (like me). I got 5.9 points and ended up screaming at the TV whenever Spiller came in. And I shit you not, I swear Gailey was simply rotating them in every other offensive series. Because that's how coaching works! Yes I won this week, but I'm thinking long term. RB by committee helps NO ONE!

2. I Got Nothing

Yeah, I really couldn't come up with a second negative. At least, not one I could really go off on. It's a pity really. I can usually go off at anything. Hmmm...that doesn't seem like it came out correctly but oh well. I still consider myself strong and bitter so I'm sure my next loss will result in poetic gold if you prefer your poetry to be strewn with profanity and pop culture.

Quick Hits

• So yeah, my gut was right. I should have stayed with Gronk over Graham. I knew. I fucking knew it! I swear, my brain has it in for me. This is why I didn't lose my virginity until college. Anytime I could have gotten anywhere with a chick in high school, my brain would cause me to think, not do and I did not get done. To be fair, I wouldn't have gone all the way but at least a couple of handies would have been nice. What does this have to do with Fantasy Football? Not sure. I've gotten distracted.
• I'm starting to notice a lot of the players I've dropped have gotten picked up by other teams and are doing well. Ahmad Bradshaw, Eric Decker. Where were these points when you were on my team? It's spite. Pure and simple. They were holding back.
• I will hand it to my opponent. 2 Mannings 1 Cup is far and away the best fantasy football team this season. Somebody needs to use some photoshop magic and make a team logo for this team.

Roster Changes

• Dropped Stephen Hill for Andre Roberts

So after his 2 TD explosion against the Bills, Stephen Hill as done...well JACK SHIT! Done. I'm over you like R. Patts is over Kristen Stewart. Wait, they're gettng back together? Shit, this means Stephen Hill is going to blow it up for someone else's team and Kevin Kolb will get his head knocked off and John Skelton will forget Andre is on his team and keeping trying to get him to bring his car out from the Valet Lot. With Nicks on the shelf and Moore on the bye, I need a warm body. Can you feel the confidence I have in this transaction?

• Dropped Donnie Avery for Mikel LeShoure

Yeah, Mikel is on the bye next week but I figured he's going to be the feature back for the Lions and another back for the rotation ain't bad. Andrew Luck loves Reggie Wayne and that's all he has eyes for. I keep chasing waterfalls when I should be sticking to the rivers and the lakes that I'm used to.

Starting Roster

• QB - Joe Flacco
• WR1 - Brandon Lloyd
• WR2 - Andrew Hawkins
• WR3 - Andre Roberts
• RB1 - Jamaal Charles
• RB2 - Donald Brown
• TE - Rob Gronkowski
• K - Matt Bryant
• DEF - Arizona

Conclusion

Yep, I'm going to keep riding Arizona's surprising DEF until I can't ride them no more. Hmmm...this week seems a little more sexual then normal. I must have high testosterone or something. I have a feeling this will not be a good week for me considering the bye week and injury bug. Hakeem Nicks, where are you?!? My current Fantasy Football Mood is Ned Stark deciding not to leave King's Landing.

Week 3: Finally...the Rock...has COME BACK TO FANTASY FOOTBALL!

The JLI 112.42 vs. 2MUCHISENOUGH 72.02

YES!!! Off the schneid! I won't become the Fantasy Football equivilent of the 2008 Detroit Lions. Victory is mine!

Every year I tell myself I'm not going to go overboard celebrating my first Fantasy Football victory. It's like celebrating your first blackjack win in Vegas; yeah you can talk yourself into believing whatever system you use works and here is the fruits of your labor but luck plays a pretty big part, not to mention you never would have gotten the card you needed if the flop-sweating, male-pattern baldness tourist in the Tommy Bahama shirt and jorts didn't hit on his soft 17 and bust, nursing his tears with a watered down whiskey because his years of hot wing ingestion has left his stomach in a constant start of upheavel, requiring fistful upon fistful of Prilosec to allow him any rest at night; not like he's getting much since he got laid off and his wife has been up his ass about the rapidly approaching unemployment benefit deadline so he takes a quick jaunt to the strip, hoping to come home up a couple hundred and perhaps a quick old fashioned from the old lady to ease both the physical and emotional pain his current life situation has put him in. So you see Ozymandias, you got to take every victory with a grain of salt. Perspective is key.

OK, now that we've gotten that out of the way...

And one more, for posterity

Quick aside, go watch the League. Please, I beg you. I wish I could play in a league like this. It's genius, period. It's on FX. Seasons 1 & 2 are Instant Watch on Netflix. It contains far and away the BEST Fantasy Football freak out ever caught on film. You know, while I'm on topic, hey Netflix! Will you please get season 3 on Instant Watch? I need to know what Dirty Randy does to poor Andre's condo, aside from shooting the prerequisite porn scene.

This is why I need to tell myself every year not to get too excited. Just be lucky there were no legs available after Monday night sealed my victory. Suffice to say I would have humped the shit out of them. Although I didn't make a complete ass of myself, apparently I've created a new dance whenever Ryan Fitzpatrick throws a touchdown. It kind of looks like the sack dance of Takeo Spikes. I'm too embarassed to link to it. You'll have to look it up yourself. On to the breakdown!

What I Liked (aside from Ryan Fitzpatrick's beard)

1. Jamaal Charles going HAM

Holy shit I did not see this coming! I mean, I secretly wish this every week, but who doesn't? Every Fantasy Football player dreams his player will be the one who has a monster week that allows you to destroy you competition. Jerry Rice would do it. LaDainian Tomlinson was notorious for 3 TD games. I expected somewhere around 100 yards or maybe 60 and a TD. Instead I get 233 yards rushing, 55 yards receiving and a TD. 34.80 points! Almost half my opponents score with one guy! The worst part was I wasn't even watching his game. I only caught the OT end since the Buffalo/Cleveland game was mercifully over quick. I should be glad I did miss it. Lord knows how I would have reacted to the 91-yard TD run. Probably would have thrusted a couple new holes in the wall ifyouknowwhatimean.

2. Arizona's DEF

Who call it? This guy! This guy right here. Who has two thumbs and knew Michael Vick would hand out turnovers like they were...um...turnovers? What I mean is I correcly prognosticated the poor ball security and defensive recognition of an admitted felon would result in multiple unexpected change of possessions for the opposing team in a manner not unlike the popularity of a flaky dough based dessert in which a filing is placed, the dough is folded over then sealed. 5 sacks, 3 fumble recoveries, and a fumble returned for a TD. 24.00 points from a DEF? Re-donkulous but as long as I am the beneficiary, I won't complain. That's like Ray Lewis era Baltimore Raven DEF scoring there. Wait, what? Ray Lewis is still playing? Don't let him stab me.

What I Didn't Like

1. 2/3rd of my starting WRs

Brandon Lloyd, please cover your ears and look away. This is not for you. All set? Good. Now, Stephen Hill and Donnie Avery...seriously? 2.8 points COMBINED?!? Am I going to have to start Tim Tebow at WR since he's at least getting targeted?! Stephen Hill, you put up a goose egg. The big kabosh! Nada, nothing, zip, zero, zilch-o. Did you bribe Buffalo in the first game to give you those two TDs? Did you make a disparaging remark about Eva Longoria so her boy toy boyfriend Mark Sanchez refuses to throw you the ball? He completes more passes to the other team!

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And Donnie, how DARE you! I want you to be part of my WR rotation. 111 yards receiving and 7 rushing in week 2 when you're a free agent and once I start you, it turns into 28 yards total. You are the Butterface of Fantasy Football. I got seduced by your huge numbers and never looked above them to see the truth. You know, we need to come up with a Fantasy Football related term for Butterface. You know, players who dazzle one week and look really good, but once they shower and the makeup and push-up bra and spanx come off, you see them for what they really are. I'll work on something.

2. The Downward Spiral of Matt Bryant

C'mon dude. I'm sure you catch enough crap because you're a kicker and I don't want to pile on, but 3.00 points. C'mon now! To be fair, I was going to rip you about missing an XP, but it looks like it was a designed fake or a bad snap. The box score states the punting was running for a 2 point conversion so the head coach either thought he could catch San Diego napping or it all went to shit before you even started your motion, ending with the punter in a fetal position screaming, "Not my leg! That's my moneymaker!"

Quick Hits

• I would also like to give a quick shout out to Seattle's DEF for thorough destroying Aaron Rodgers. 8 sacks before halftime. Holding him to a measly 10.62 points. He even sacked himself once, if only to avoid Bruce Irvin or Chris Clemons going all Arn Anderson on him and spine buster-ing him into the turf again. There was always a chance he'd channel his best NFL Blitz impersonation and throw 541 yards and 6 TDs. Another day Rodgers.
• 3 for 3 on the TE sitch. Baltimore's LBs were not going to let Gronk sniff a football, let alone a TD. Graham wasn't lights out either, but at least the ball was coming his way.
• I'm so glad I beat the guy with the all CAPS LOCK team. Every league has one of these guys. And a space bar. It's the big button on the bottom of the keyboard. Learn to use it. At least this year, there's no overt penis-themed teams like Go Schlong or Deep in Your Mom's Backfield (namely because I already own those teams in other leagues).

Roster Changes

• Dropped Jay Cutler for Joe Flacco

The great Jay Cutler experiment is over after 3 weeks. I'm done! You broke my heart Fredo Jay. Also, Flacco has thrown for over 300 yards in his last two games and I was very happy to see him just floating in the free agent ether. I am hoping because of Flacco someone will get the Sacko from Taco (It's a League reference. WATCH THE GODDAMN SHOW!).

• Dropped Ahmad Bradshaw for Fred Jackson

I get this feeling Bradshaw is not for long in the G-Men's backfield rotation. I forsee a lot of Andre Brown with some Bradshaw in the mix. Once David Wilson stops fumbling and crying, he's going to get some carries too. Bradshaw's coming back from an injury so the Giants might also take it slow with him. They don't need to rush him back.

The Bills, however, need an RB STAT. Jackson was the starter, then somehow did not blow out any major knee ligaments in week 1 when his leg got buckled hard on a tackle. C.J. Spiller came in and only managed to lead the league in rushing after the first 2 weeks of the season. Then he gets hit hard and injured his shoulder, leaving the Bills with...wait for it...Tashard Choice! Third string RB and still almost gets 100 yards. Luckily, Jackson is part Wolverine and his mutant healing factor will allow him to play. I may be in trouble when Spiller comes back, but long term it looks better for Jackson then Bradshaw.

• Dropped Dexter McCluster for Andrew Hawkins

I know I just picked up McCluster last week, but Fantasy Football is fickle. 1st place, you get a permanent spot in the starting lineup. 2nd place gets a rotational spot based on matchups. 3rd place YOU'RE FUCKING FIRED! McCluster didn't deserve the Glengarry leads or a roster spot.

Hawkins looks dangerous whenever he catches the ball. He seems to be the number 2 behind A.J. Green and the Bengals are finding ways to get him the ball in space and let Hawkins do his thing. I honestly believe he will outscore the more ballyhooed Randall "Don't Call Me Tex" Cobb.

Starting Lineup

• QB - Joe Flacco
• WR1 - Hakeem Nicks
• WR2 - Brandon Lloyd
• WR3 - Andrew Hawkins
• RB1 - Jamaal Charles
• RB2 - Fred Jackson
• TE - Rob Gronkowski
• K - Matt Bryant
• DEF - Arizona

Conclusion

Yes I broke my own rule. I did not rotate out my defense this week but you know what? I'll live. Flacco gets in nod in Cleveland although I expect BUF-NE to be a shootout (hence two NE and one BUF player in my lineup). Bryant gets one more week before the efficiency of Atlanta's offense will work against him. Stop the TDs and give me some field goals! My current Fantasy Football Mood is Don Draper staring lustily at Joan Holloway.

Week 2: Jay Cutler, I Knew It Was You

Chad Punch-O-Wife-O 91.30 vs. The JLI 83.74

Second week, second disappointment. No, no. There's only one disappointment. One giant freakin' disappointment. One man who simultaneously pissed in my Cheerios while also laying the biggest turd in my punch bowl. He put kitty litter in my KY jelly. He told me the wife did it before I watched "Presumed Innoncent." The man who killed my dog and stole my Bible. And to think I'm going to need to wait until I go over the good stuff first before tearing him a new one...

What I Liked (besides Eli Manning 4th Quarter Comebacks)

What I Didn't Like

1. FUCK YOU JAY FUCKING CUTLER

I couldn't wait. I'm sorry. I really did want to start with the good stuff (because there was some good stuff) but I keep going back to the fact I would have won had almost any other quarterback in the league had been my quarterback instead of Jay Cutler. It's my fault really. He suckered me in. I should have been stronger. I was seduced by Brandon Marshall coming back into his life like Gosling came back to McAdams and no more mad Mike Martz running some sort of sick human experiment to see how much punishment a QB could take over a season since all his receiver's routes involved quintiple moves. I've seen less complicated chess openings then Martz's route trees.This is the year he puts it all together and becomes the consistant elite QB he could be!

What do I get for my newfound confidence? 126 yards, 1 TD and 4 INTs. 6.24 points. I lost by 7.57 points. Here is a list of the FREE AGENTS QBs who scored more points:

• Sam Bradford
• Andy Dalton
• Brandon Weeden
• Matt Cassel
• Ryan Tannehill
• Alex Smith
• Christian Ponder
• Kevin Kolb
• Russell Wilson
• Joe Flacco
• Mark Sanchez
• Blaine Gabbert

In fact the only QB Jay Cutler outscored was Tim Tebow and that's only because Tebow ran for 22 yards and didn't attempt a pass. BLAINE GABBERT THREW FOR 53 YARDS AND 1 INT AND HE STILL OUTSCORED JAY CUTLER! Again, these are free agent QBs. Every other QB on every other team outscored him. He was the lowest scoring starting QB that trotted out onto the field for week 2 out of 32 NFL teams. Fuck you Jay Cutler!

To be fair, I still would have lost if I had started the last 4 QBs listed but at least they wouldn't have been DEAD FUCKING LAST!

2. Production at RB

For all the vitriol I just spewed at Jay Cutler, I probably should have saved some for my running backs. Alas, I am spent so we're just going through the motions here.

After watching KC hang 24 on Atlanta and Buffalo's DEF get torched for 48 by the Jets, I figured I'd double dip and start both Jamaal Charles (as a legit RB and Dexter McCluster (taking full advantage of his dual RB/WR positional listing) and reap the benefits. Charles was coming off an 87 yard performance even with Matt Cassel and Shaun Draughn vulturing 2 rushing TDs. McCluster was the top receiver of the game with 6 catches for 82 yards. I'm thinking they'll score 20-25 points combined.

They scored 5.4 combined.

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I am thoroughly convinced the Bills DEF in week 1 was actually the St. Sebastian of Townawanda's high school JV defense who won some obscure contest to suit up in Bills uniforms and play against an actual NFL Team. Instead of a shoot out, I get the wrong side of a clubbering (And yes I mean clubbering. Ask Dusty Rhodes about it).

Not that starting any other RB on my roster would have rectified this situation. Ahmad Bradshaw got injured so he only scored 1.5 points. Donald Brown scored whopping 4.5 against the Vikings. Now he did have 16 rushing attempts so they didn't abandon the run game. Donald Brown just sucked ass this week. We'll keep an eye on this for future considerations.

What I Liked (besides Eli Manning 4th Quarter Comebacks)

1. Having One of the Two Main Targets for Eli Manning

At least I wasn't the poor bastard who matched up against Eli this week. 510 yards. 3 TDs. (Also 3 INTs and -2 rush yards but still.) That's a lot of fantasy gumbo right there. 29.20 points. So that means someone had to catch all them yards and TDs huh?

Hakeem Nicks COME ON DOWN!

I could kiss you, you beautiful black man. 199 yards and a TD?! 25.90 points?! You almost single-handedly saved my bacon. You did all you could even with a bad wheel. You my man are a keeper and are making me look good for wanting you instead of Victor Cruz.

2. Continuing to Maximize The Graham/Gronkowski Matchups

2nd week only, but also second time in a row I started the higher scorer of the two. Of course, this week there was only a 0.4 point difference between the two but I feel this will be important down the road. Like when I'm actually winning games.

Quick Hits

• No other TDs for my WRs but they both got decent chunks of yardage. They'll hit paydirt sooner then later, but I may need to consider Brandon Lloyd a situation start instead of a guaranteed start. Will add to my "Must Monitor" list, right below Kat Dennings nip slips.

• My opponent did not have the best of weeks either. His QB (Matt Schaub) was second to last in QB scoring this week so I imagined he would have gone off on him the same way I did on Jay Cutler if he had lost. However, his RB combo of Trent Richardson and Ray Rice carried the day. Everything else was pretty equal between us. Heck, heading into the Monday night game he was only up 3.76 points. I just needed my kicker to outscore his last receiver. And I would have gotten away with it to if it wasn't for you pesky kids and the Instant Replay review! Take away the TD and the yardage associated with it, I would have won by 1.1 points. Ordinary people, amirite?

Roster Changes

• Dropped Eric Decker for Donnie Avery

Not saying it's the smartest swap, but I'm starting to believe Decker is going to score 5 TDs all year if he's lucky. It looks like Andrew Luck and Donnie Avery have some chemistry. Reggie Wayne is still his number one, but their could be some matchups down the road I can exploit. At worse I see this as a horizontal move.

• Dropped Cincinnati DEF for Arizona DEF

Let the great DEF rotation of 2012 continue! I know Arizona is playing the Eagles this week, but Vick has been so turnover and sack prone that I feel I'll score big even if the Eagles put 30 on the board. I smell jackpot here.

Starting Lineup for Week 3

• QB - Ryan Fitzpatrick
• WR1 - Stephen Hill
• WR2 - Donnie Avery
• WR3 - Brandon Lloyd
• RB1 - Jamaal Charles
• RB2 - Donald Brown
• TE - Jimmy Graham
• K - Matt Bryant
• DEF - Arizona

Conclusion

In Fitzpatrick I Trust! (For this week...OK I really didn't have another option. Can't start Cutler after that turdburgler tanked so hard.) I feel Hill will match up well against Miami since the Jets won't be able to run. Hicks is injured, so Avery gets a spot start.I need a bounce back game from my RBs. You can do it! My current Fantasy Football Mood is Totally Not Using Google Maps to Find the Easiest Route to Leave a Bag of Flaming Horse Shit on Jay Cutler's Doorstep.

Week 1: I Can't Believe It's Not the Justice League International (JLI)

Unbeatable 116.76 vs. The JLI 85.02

Well shit. My dreams of an undefeated season ended quick. I mean, it would have been nice to start on a four or five game win streak, but you know what? There's still a lot to like here.

What I Liked (besides Jay Cutler's Smug Face)

1. Jay Cutler Did Not Suck as Hard as He Could Have

As previously mentioned, I was having fevered dreams about Dr. Cutler and Mr. Fitzpatrick single-handedly tanking my fantasy season; forever chasing the elusive Amelia Sequence to ensure the Jekyll half started while the Hyde half rots miserably in the limbo known as the Fantasy Football Bench. 19.92 points will do! Week One successful.

2. I Want to Kiss Matt Bryant

17 points from a kicker?!?! How often does a kicker get to talk shit to Running Backs and Wide Receivers? Hell, Matt Bryant gets to teabag everyone else who started for me (except Mr. Cutler of course). Four extra points and four field goals. I like Atlanta's new offense!

What I Didn't Like

1. No production AT ALL from WR

OK, start me off big time Hakeen Nicks...wait...what was that? 38 yards and no TDs. Only 3.8 points? Yikes. OK, OK. He's still recovering from a foot injury. Slow starts happen. Big Daddy Brandon Lloyd gonna go HAM on the Titans and...huh? 69 yards and no TDs? 6.9 points. Well, it's better than Nicks. I could really use a TD here so who's left? Decker? Eric freakin' Decker?! *sigh* Just put me down for 5.5 points and...oh, I'm sorry he only scored 5.4. I only started him because Denarius Moore was injured and I foolishly dumped Malcolm "12.6 points" Floyd and picked up Davone "4.5 points and my quarterback is Ryan Tannenhill" Bess. OK, not all gambles pay off. Honestly, it didn't matter because...

2. Fuck Atlanta's New Offense

My opponent started Matt Ryan and Julio Jones. The two of them combined for 55.26 points. Matt Ryan should have been mine!!! (I'm not letting that go.) Of course, the next week, Atlanta's offense will get stifled and someone else will get to benefit from it. Figures the guy who bet the farm on ATL would hit paydirt the week I play him.

Quick Hits

• -2.00 Buffalo's DEF?! Against the JETS!?!? No sacks, give up 48 points?! There are not enough question marks and exclamation points to adequately reflect how those last 3 sentences should be read. I'm sure there's some obscure japanese symbol or ASCII code I could use. Hold on...

  （╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻

  That'll do

• A few roster mistakes. Should have started Bradshaw over Charles (I could see it but not too easy of a call) and Bess over Nicks (never would have in a million years). Called Graham over Gronk and Cutler over Fitzpatrick (although not as huge a gap considering Fitz threw 3 picks)

Roster Changes

• Dropped Malcolm Floyd for Davone Bess

Already touched on this mistake. Gotta fix this STAT!

• Dropped Davone Bess for Stephen Hill

Ah, there we go. Burned Buffalo for 2 TDs. Not going to happen every week but I see a nice string of Sanchez-chucks-it-up-in-his-general-direction-and-Hill-makes-the-catch plays. Just not next week against the Steelers.

• Dropped Buffalo DEF for Cincinnati DEF

Fuck you Buffalo DEF. Cincinnati's got Brandon "5.6 quarterback rating" Weeden. Oh yes, this will be TOO SWA-HEAT!!

• Dropped Isaac Redmand for Dexter McCluster

Pittsburgh's backfield is a mess. Jonathan Dwyer looks better so I don't see much value for Redman. Plus, McCluster can be either a RB or a WR. It's like I cheated the system to get my own personal flex position.

Starting Lineup for Week 2

• QB - Jay Cutler
• WR1 - Hakeem Nicks
• WR2 - Brandon Lloyd
• WR3 - Denarius Moore
• RB1 - Jamaal Charles
• RB2 - Dexter McCluster
• TE - Rob Gronkowski
• K - Matt Bryant
• DEF - Cincinnati

Conclusion

It's only week one, so not going to panic too much. Plenty of teams start 0-1 and still win it all. Just needed a little tweaking, that's all. Fingers crossed for week two. I'm putting my Fantasy Football mood at Listening to the Cure After a Bad Day at Work.

The Draft! (There was one?)

OK, let's break down the draft!

Short version: u mad bro?

Long version: As the title of the blog states, we're hate drafting. That means one of two things:

1. Draft the person you think would help your opponent the most, regardless of his value to you aka
2. Draft potentially valuable but more than likely busts with decent ceiling but massive downside aka The Minnesota Timberwolves method. (Yes, I'm using David Kahn methodology for drafting)

A quick aside, I did not really consult much in regards to draft manuals or web sites to decide my drafting order. I knew who my first two picks would be (more on that later) but the rest was simply looking at who was available, seeing what I needed, and going for it. This strategy has brought me multiple middle-of-the-pack finishes over the years. I've finagled a championship or two out of it. Look, I'm not going to pay for All-22 access on nfl.com or pour over lists and lists of Number of Targets and Regression to Mean and 2nd Half Ass Scratching Tendencies of the Offensive Coordinator (Kevin Gilbride, I'm looking at you). This isn't a money league, so I look at it as an inverse relationship: the more time I spend pouring over data and facts and necessary information, the less time I enjoy the experience. I know there are people out there that derive their joy from spreadsheets and data mining. If that was my idea of a good time, I'd go play Eve Online.

What I have going for me is my many years of watching football, listening to various talking heads on TV and radio, and an infallible trust of myself (aka Jay Cutler syndrome, also more on that later). I do wish I played against people I knew as opposed to random leagues. I feel my trash talk abilities are waning. Anyway on to the draft!

We've got a 10 team league and I am picking 9th and 12th in the first two rounds. As mentioned before I knew who my first two picks would be and I had a strong feeling both would be available.

ROUND 1, 9TH PICK: JIMMY GRAHAM, NEW ORLEANS SAINTS

Yep, grabbed a TE in the first round. I'm breaking all the rules man. To me, it's like drafting a WR. Look at the game tape! The big 3 backs of Foster, Rice, and McCoy went 1,2,3. Jones-Drew was 8th. Megatron 5th. Plus the prettiest QB (Brady) and the one I wouldn't let near my kids because he looks like he drives a panel van (Rodgers) were taken too. In this context, considering how great Graham was and how Gronk was really his only equal in regards to TE I felt it wasn't too early to go for greatness.

ROUND 2, 12TH PICK: ROB GRONKOWSKI, NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS

And this was where the chat log lit up. Everyone is assuming trade. Questioning why I would take TE option 1B after taking TE 1A. I'm cornering the market! Mortimer and Randolph Duke would be so proud of me.

There are what, 3 guaranteed elite QBs (Brady, Rodgers, Brees) with very close options behind (Stafford & the Manning Bros) and wild cards like Ryan and Vick. Same with RBs. The gap between great and almost great is narrow. Calvin Johnson has some space in WR. The gap would be even closer if poor Larry Fitzgerald had ANYONE who could throw him the ball. But with TE, it's Gronk and Graham and pray for Tamme. Their greatness exceeds the pretty goods by a large enough margin, it's not even funny. Yes, this means I've missed out on a stud WR or RB but I'm getting consistancy and insurance for injury. I can permanent marker 10+ points a week for TE regardless of who I start. BOOM-SHAKA-LAKA!

ROUND 3, 29TH PICK: JAMAAL CHARLES, KANSAS CITY CHIEFS

My first risk. Coming back from a blown out knee is never a good start. Not to mention he's got a guaranteed goal line vulture in Peyton Hillis but I couldn't say no. He always seems to be a threat to break a long one plus he wants to show he's 100%. As long as that is true, I see him being used to take pressure off Matt Cassel and set up the play action pass.

ROUND 4, 32ND PICK: HAKEEM NICKS, NEW YORK GIANTS

The Giants are a passing team plain and simple. Victor Cruz was already gone but I would have drafted Nicks anyway. He's bigger, so he'll see more red zone targets and targets in traffic. Cruz relied on the big play so I'd rather have a better week in, week out projection than the peaks and valleys I forsee Cruz having.

ROUND 5, 49TH PICK: AHMAD BRADSHAW, NEW YORK GIANTS

A double dip from the G-Men. Barring an injury or seventeen, they will be putting points on the board. I know I just said they were a passing team not 7 sentences ago but the Law Firm had double digits TDs for the Pats on a pass first, second, and third team last year. Bradshaw will be in a similar position and he won't have to worry about mislabled defensive tackle Brandon Jacobs vulturing any.

ROUND 6, 52ND PICK: BRANDON LLOYD, NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS

He's a deep threat receiver on an offensive juggernaut. We all saw what Randy Moss did. Now, Lloyd is no Randy Moss but even at 60% of Moss's numbers this could be a steal. Or he may not be able to learn the playbook to Brady's liking and get Ocho Cinco'd out of town. Hmmm...

ROUND 7, 69TH PICK: ERIC DECKER, DENVER BRONCOS

I wanted Demaryius Thomas. I got Eric Decker. I've heard a lot of people talk about how Peyton Manning will prefer Decker's route running and predictability over Thomas's nature talent and reliance on his speed/strength. Yes, there will be enough passes for both of them. If I were in a PPR league I'd feel better, but really my WR3 is going to be match up based anyway so Decker has value but man I wanted Thomas!

ROUND 8, 72ND PICK: JAY CUTLER, CHICAGO BEARS

FUCK! FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCK! I kept saying to myself I need a QB. I specifically targeted 3 QBs who I felt would be available around here and could match up very well with the 1st round QBs: Phillip Rivers, Eli Manning, and Matt Ryan. Don't all 3 go 65, 66, and 68. Sonavabitch! So now I'm looking at the real stretches. QBs who are all as likely to pass for 325 and 3 TDs as they are to pass for 174 and 4 INTs. I figure Cutler's the best of the worst. He's got Brandon Marshall now. Of course, his O-Line is still terrible and he WILL make 5 throws a game that show more irrational confidence then J. R. Smith hoisting 30ft bombs. I feel I am officially fucked.

The rest goes like this:

• Isaac Redman, Pittsburh Steelers - Someone has to run the ball, right?
• Denarius Moore, Oakland Raiders - May outscore Decker, my sleeper pick!
• Donald Brown, Indianapolis Colts - Maybe figured it out, don't want to put too much on Luck's shoulders (Who the fuck am I kidding? If I'm lucky they committ to a run game 6 games into the season. Luck will pull a rabbitt in week 2 or 3 and the next few weeks will be the Colts having Luck fling bullets 40-50 times per game until realizing, "Oh shit! He's good. Real good, but I wish there was some way to get a safety up close to the line. Oh yeah! Run the ball!") But when that happens, I'll be ready!
• Malcolm Floyd, San Diego Chargers - V-Jax is gone, he knows the system, Ryan Matthews will get injured, Antonio Gates will get injured. Phillip Rivers needs to throw the ball to someone, right?
• Ryan Fitzpatrick, Buffalo Bills - You know what's going to happen. I'll base my starting QB on the matchup between Fitz and Cutler. Whoever I start will throw the afforementioned 174 and 4 INTs while the one on the bench throws the 325 and 3 TDs. Book it.
• Buffalo DEF and Matt Bryant, Atlanta Falcons - Because I have to draft a kicker and a DEF. I'm telling you right now, I will pick a new DEF every week. I think it's easier to find the crappiest offense team in the NFL and pick the DEF playing against them as a Free Agent. Between Cleveland, Jacksonville, and the Jets I wil always find a DEF I am happy with. I will also have a new kicker whenever I have to drop Bryant for the bye.

So there we have it. That QB situation is really going to hose me. I might have to look into trading Gronk for a QB. (Aaron Hernandez is going to get more targets at Gronk's expense and I think Graham will actually score more points than last year). Aside from that, I like it. I made sure to draft my sleeper pick I submitted for the Grantland competition just so when he has a big year, I can tell them to SUCK IT!

Fuck You Grantland

This is a blog based on spite.

Spite and hate.

Spite and hate and bitterness.

Fuck you Grantland.

You see, the website Grantland (a Bill Simmons joint) hosted a contest called "Grantland Fantasy Island." To enter the contest, you needed to submit a 750 word entry giving your top 5 Fantasy Picks, 1 Sleeper, and the reasoning behind the picks. Seeing how the title of the website mentions Sports and Pop Culture as it's two main objectives and seeing how I have the Sports/Pop Culture rotted mind of a 32 year old who remembers both Dan Patrick and Keith Olbermann as SportsCenter anchors, getting yelled at by my parents for jacking up their AOL bill by spending too much time on the Internet back when they charged per hour, and attempting to remember EVERYTHING just in case Alex Trebeck calls I figured I would be a perfect match for what they were looking for. I peppered my entry with both nuisanced insights (i.e. Predicting Drew Brees will be a top 5 fantasy pick because he wants to give Roger Goodell the ultimate FUCK YOU)

I was wrong.

Oh was I wrong.

The announcement went up on their webpage. I immediately noticed a stunning lack of, well...me. I was heartbroken. Shattered. I would use an appropriate Friday Night Lights reference here but I never watched the show (I've determined this is the reason why I was left out). So what to do? The answer dawned on me almost immediately; start my own Fantasy Football Blog, then surreptitiously let them know of my existance, then bask in their unending praise of my football acumen and rougish sense of humor.

So in this vein I will post weekly updates on my Fantasy Football team. I will be using a standard Yahoo Public League with a live draft. I won't go through a scoring breakdown here. It's pretty basic stuff.

As I'm sure you've noticed, this post is two weeks into the season. The next few posts will catch up on the draft and the first two weeks. Maybe this is why Grantland hates me. I can't keep a deadline.