Week 3: Finally...the Rock...has COME BACK TO FANTASY FOOTBALL!

The JLI 112.42 vs. 2MUCHISENOUGH 72.02

YES!!! Off the schneid! I won't become the Fantasy Football equivilent of the 2008 Detroit Lions. Victory is mine!

Every year I tell myself I'm not going to go overboard celebrating my first Fantasy Football victory. It's like celebrating your first blackjack win in Vegas; yeah you can talk yourself into believing whatever system you use works and here is the fruits of your labor but luck plays a pretty big part, not to mention you never would have gotten the card you needed if the flop-sweating, male-pattern baldness tourist in the Tommy Bahama shirt and jorts didn't hit on his soft 17 and bust, nursing his tears with a watered down whiskey because his years of hot wing ingestion has left his stomach in a constant start of upheavel, requiring fistful upon fistful of Prilosec to allow him any rest at night; not like he's getting much since he got laid off and his wife has been up his ass about the rapidly approaching unemployment benefit deadline so he takes a quick jaunt to the strip, hoping to come home up a couple hundred and perhaps a quick old fashioned from the old lady to ease both the physical and emotional pain his current life situation has put him in. So you see Ozymandias, you got to take every victory with a grain of salt. Perspective is key.

OK, now that we've gotten that out of the way...

And one more, for posterity

Quick aside, go watch the League. Please, I beg you. I wish I could play in a league like this. It's genius, period. It's on FX. Seasons 1 & 2 are Instant Watch on Netflix. It contains far and away the BEST Fantasy Football freak out ever caught on film. You know, while I'm on topic, hey Netflix! Will you please get season 3 on Instant Watch? I need to know what Dirty Randy does to poor Andre's condo, aside from shooting the prerequisite porn scene.

This is why I need to tell myself every year not to get too excited. Just be lucky there were no legs available after Monday night sealed my victory. Suffice to say I would have humped the shit out of them. Although I didn't make a complete ass of myself, apparently I've created a new dance whenever Ryan Fitzpatrick throws a touchdown. It kind of looks like the sack dance of Takeo Spikes. I'm too embarassed to link to it. You'll have to look it up yourself. On to the breakdown!

What I Liked (aside from Ryan Fitzpatrick's beard)

1. Jamaal Charles going HAM

Holy shit I did not see this coming! I mean, I secretly wish this every week, but who doesn't? Every Fantasy Football player dreams his player will be the one who has a monster week that allows you to destroy you competition. Jerry Rice would do it. LaDainian Tomlinson was notorious for 3 TD games. I expected somewhere around 100 yards or maybe 60 and a TD. Instead I get 233 yards rushing, 55 yards receiving and a TD. 34.80 points! Almost half my opponents score with one guy! The worst part was I wasn't even watching his game. I only caught the OT end since the Buffalo/Cleveland game was mercifully over quick. I should be glad I did miss it. Lord knows how I would have reacted to the 91-yard TD run. Probably would have thrusted a couple new holes in the wall ifyouknowwhatimean.

2. Arizona's DEF

Who call it? This guy! This guy right here. Who has two thumbs and knew Michael Vick would hand out turnovers like they were...um...turnovers? What I mean is I correcly prognosticated the poor ball security and defensive recognition of an admitted felon would result in multiple unexpected change of possessions for the opposing team in a manner not unlike the popularity of a flaky dough based dessert in which a filing is placed, the dough is folded over then sealed. 5 sacks, 3 fumble recoveries, and a fumble returned for a TD. 24.00 points from a DEF? Re-donkulous but as long as I am the beneficiary, I won't complain. That's like Ray Lewis era Baltimore Raven DEF scoring there. Wait, what? Ray Lewis is still playing? Don't let him stab me.

What I Didn't Like

1. 2/3rd of my starting WRs

Brandon Lloyd, please cover your ears and look away. This is not for you. All set? Good. Now, Stephen Hill and Donnie Avery...seriously? 2.8 points COMBINED?!? Am I going to have to start Tim Tebow at WR since he's at least getting targeted?! Stephen Hill, you put up a goose egg. The big kabosh! Nada, nothing, zip, zero, zilch-o. Did you bribe Buffalo in the first game to give you those two TDs? Did you make a disparaging remark about Eva Longoria so her boy toy boyfriend Mark Sanchez refuses to throw you the ball? He completes more passes to the other team!

（╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻

And Donnie, how DARE you! I want you to be part of my WR rotation. 111 yards receiving and 7 rushing in week 2 when you're a free agent and once I start you, it turns into 28 yards total. You are the Butterface of Fantasy Football. I got seduced by your huge numbers and never looked above them to see the truth. You know, we need to come up with a Fantasy Football related term for Butterface. You know, players who dazzle one week and look really good, but once they shower and the makeup and push-up bra and spanx come off, you see them for what they really are. I'll work on something.

2. The Downward Spiral of Matt Bryant

C'mon dude. I'm sure you catch enough crap because you're a kicker and I don't want to pile on, but 3.00 points. C'mon now! To be fair, I was going to rip you about missing an XP, but it looks like it was a designed fake or a bad snap. The box score states the punting was running for a 2 point conversion so the head coach either thought he could catch San Diego napping or it all went to shit before you even started your motion, ending with the punter in a fetal position screaming, "Not my leg! That's my moneymaker!"

Quick Hits

• I would also like to give a quick shout out to Seattle's DEF for thorough destroying Aaron Rodgers. 8 sacks before halftime. Holding him to a measly 10.62 points. He even sacked himself once, if only to avoid Bruce Irvin or Chris Clemons going all Arn Anderson on him and spine buster-ing him into the turf again. There was always a chance he'd channel his best NFL Blitz impersonation and throw 541 yards and 6 TDs. Another day Rodgers.
• 3 for 3 on the TE sitch. Baltimore's LBs were not going to let Gronk sniff a football, let alone a TD. Graham wasn't lights out either, but at least the ball was coming his way.
• I'm so glad I beat the guy with the all CAPS LOCK team. Every league has one of these guys. And a space bar. It's the big button on the bottom of the keyboard. Learn to use it. At least this year, there's no overt penis-themed teams like Go Schlong or Deep in Your Mom's Backfield (namely because I already own those teams in other leagues).

Roster Changes

• Dropped Jay Cutler for Joe Flacco

The great Jay Cutler experiment is over after 3 weeks. I'm done! You broke my heart Fredo Jay. Also, Flacco has thrown for over 300 yards in his last two games and I was very happy to see him just floating in the free agent ether. I am hoping because of Flacco someone will get the Sacko from Taco (It's a League reference. WATCH THE GODDAMN SHOW!).

• Dropped Ahmad Bradshaw for Fred Jackson

I get this feeling Bradshaw is not for long in the G-Men's backfield rotation. I forsee a lot of Andre Brown with some Bradshaw in the mix. Once David Wilson stops fumbling and crying, he's going to get some carries too. Bradshaw's coming back from an injury so the Giants might also take it slow with him. They don't need to rush him back.

The Bills, however, need an RB STAT. Jackson was the starter, then somehow did not blow out any major knee ligaments in week 1 when his leg got buckled hard on a tackle. C.J. Spiller came in and only managed to lead the league in rushing after the first 2 weeks of the season. Then he gets hit hard and injured his shoulder, leaving the Bills with...wait for it...Tashard Choice! Third string RB and still almost gets 100 yards. Luckily, Jackson is part Wolverine and his mutant healing factor will allow him to play. I may be in trouble when Spiller comes back, but long term it looks better for Jackson then Bradshaw.

• Dropped Dexter McCluster for Andrew Hawkins

I know I just picked up McCluster last week, but Fantasy Football is fickle. 1st place, you get a permanent spot in the starting lineup. 2nd place gets a rotational spot based on matchups. 3rd place YOU'RE FUCKING FIRED! McCluster didn't deserve the Glengarry leads or a roster spot.

Hawkins looks dangerous whenever he catches the ball. He seems to be the number 2 behind A.J. Green and the Bengals are finding ways to get him the ball in space and let Hawkins do his thing. I honestly believe he will outscore the more ballyhooed Randall "Don't Call Me Tex" Cobb.

Starting Lineup

• QB - Joe Flacco
• WR1 - Hakeem Nicks
• WR2 - Brandon Lloyd
• WR3 - Andrew Hawkins
• RB1 - Jamaal Charles
• RB2 - Fred Jackson
• TE - Rob Gronkowski
• K - Matt Bryant
• DEF - Arizona

Conclusion

Yes I broke my own rule. I did not rotate out my defense this week but you know what? I'll live. Flacco gets in nod in Cleveland although I expect BUF-NE to be a shootout (hence two NE and one BUF player in my lineup). Bryant gets one more week before the efficiency of Atlanta's offense will work against him. Stop the TDs and give me some field goals! My current Fantasy Football Mood is Don Draper staring lustily at Joan Holloway.