Week 2: Jay Cutler, I Knew It Was You

Chad Punch-O-Wife-O 91.30 vs. The JLI 83.74

Second week, second disappointment. No, no. There's only one disappointment. One giant freakin' disappointment. One man who simultaneously pissed in my Cheerios while also laying the biggest turd in my punch bowl. He put kitty litter in my KY jelly. He told me the wife did it before I watched "Presumed Innoncent." The man who killed my dog and stole my Bible. And to think I'm going to need to wait until I go over the good stuff first before tearing him a new one...

What I Liked (besides Eli Manning 4th Quarter Comebacks)

What I Didn't Like

1. FUCK YOU JAY FUCKING CUTLER

I couldn't wait. I'm sorry. I really did want to start with the good stuff (because there was some good stuff) but I keep going back to the fact I would have won had almost any other quarterback in the league had been my quarterback instead of Jay Cutler. It's my fault really. He suckered me in. I should have been stronger. I was seduced by Brandon Marshall coming back into his life like Gosling came back to McAdams and no more mad Mike Martz running some sort of sick human experiment to see how much punishment a QB could take over a season since all his receiver's routes involved quintiple moves. I've seen less complicated chess openings then Martz's route trees.This is the year he puts it all together and becomes the consistant elite QB he could be!

What do I get for my newfound confidence? 126 yards, 1 TD and 4 INTs. 6.24 points. I lost by 7.57 points. Here is a list of the FREE AGENTS QBs who scored more points:

• Sam Bradford
• Andy Dalton
• Brandon Weeden
• Matt Cassel
• Ryan Tannehill
• Alex Smith
• Christian Ponder
• Kevin Kolb
• Russell Wilson
• Joe Flacco
• Mark Sanchez
• Blaine Gabbert

In fact the only QB Jay Cutler outscored was Tim Tebow and that's only because Tebow ran for 22 yards and didn't attempt a pass. BLAINE GABBERT THREW FOR 53 YARDS AND 1 INT AND HE STILL OUTSCORED JAY CUTLER! Again, these are free agent QBs. Every other QB on every other team outscored him. He was the lowest scoring starting QB that trotted out onto the field for week 2 out of 32 NFL teams. Fuck you Jay Cutler!

To be fair, I still would have lost if I had started the last 4 QBs listed but at least they wouldn't have been DEAD FUCKING LAST!

2. Production at RB

For all the vitriol I just spewed at Jay Cutler, I probably should have saved some for my running backs. Alas, I am spent so we're just going through the motions here.

After watching KC hang 24 on Atlanta and Buffalo's DEF get torched for 48 by the Jets, I figured I'd double dip and start both Jamaal Charles (as a legit RB and Dexter McCluster (taking full advantage of his dual RB/WR positional listing) and reap the benefits. Charles was coming off an 87 yard performance even with Matt Cassel and Shaun Draughn vulturing 2 rushing TDs. McCluster was the top receiver of the game with 6 catches for 82 yards. I'm thinking they'll score 20-25 points combined.

They scored 5.4 combined.

（╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻

I am thoroughly convinced the Bills DEF in week 1 was actually the St. Sebastian of Townawanda's high school JV defense who won some obscure contest to suit up in Bills uniforms and play against an actual NFL Team. Instead of a shoot out, I get the wrong side of a clubbering (And yes I mean clubbering. Ask Dusty Rhodes about it).

Not that starting any other RB on my roster would have rectified this situation. Ahmad Bradshaw got injured so he only scored 1.5 points. Donald Brown scored whopping 4.5 against the Vikings. Now he did have 16 rushing attempts so they didn't abandon the run game. Donald Brown just sucked ass this week. We'll keep an eye on this for future considerations.

What I Liked (besides Eli Manning 4th Quarter Comebacks)

1. Having One of the Two Main Targets for Eli Manning

At least I wasn't the poor bastard who matched up against Eli this week. 510 yards. 3 TDs. (Also 3 INTs and -2 rush yards but still.) That's a lot of fantasy gumbo right there. 29.20 points. So that means someone had to catch all them yards and TDs huh?

Hakeem Nicks COME ON DOWN!

I could kiss you, you beautiful black man. 199 yards and a TD?! 25.90 points?! You almost single-handedly saved my bacon. You did all you could even with a bad wheel. You my man are a keeper and are making me look good for wanting you instead of Victor Cruz.

2. Continuing to Maximize The Graham/Gronkowski Matchups

2nd week only, but also second time in a row I started the higher scorer of the two. Of course, this week there was only a 0.4 point difference between the two but I feel this will be important down the road. Like when I'm actually winning games.

Quick Hits

• No other TDs for my WRs but they both got decent chunks of yardage. They'll hit paydirt sooner then later, but I may need to consider Brandon Lloyd a situation start instead of a guaranteed start. Will add to my "Must Monitor" list, right below Kat Dennings nip slips.

• My opponent did not have the best of weeks either. His QB (Matt Schaub) was second to last in QB scoring this week so I imagined he would have gone off on him the same way I did on Jay Cutler if he had lost. However, his RB combo of Trent Richardson and Ray Rice carried the day. Everything else was pretty equal between us. Heck, heading into the Monday night game he was only up 3.76 points. I just needed my kicker to outscore his last receiver. And I would have gotten away with it to if it wasn't for you pesky kids and the Instant Replay review! Take away the TD and the yardage associated with it, I would have won by 1.1 points. Ordinary people, amirite?

Roster Changes

• Dropped Eric Decker for Donnie Avery

Not saying it's the smartest swap, but I'm starting to believe Decker is going to score 5 TDs all year if he's lucky. It looks like Andrew Luck and Donnie Avery have some chemistry. Reggie Wayne is still his number one, but their could be some matchups down the road I can exploit. At worse I see this as a horizontal move.

• Dropped Cincinnati DEF for Arizona DEF

Let the great DEF rotation of 2012 continue! I know Arizona is playing the Eagles this week, but Vick has been so turnover and sack prone that I feel I'll score big even if the Eagles put 30 on the board. I smell jackpot here.

Starting Lineup for Week 3

• QB - Ryan Fitzpatrick
• WR1 - Stephen Hill
• WR2 - Donnie Avery
• WR3 - Brandon Lloyd
• RB1 - Jamaal Charles
• RB2 - Donald Brown
• TE - Jimmy Graham
• K - Matt Bryant
• DEF - Arizona

Conclusion

In Fitzpatrick I Trust! (For this week...OK I really didn't have another option. Can't start Cutler after that turdburgler tanked so hard.) I feel Hill will match up well against Miami since the Jets won't be able to run. Hicks is injured, so Avery gets a spot start.I need a bounce back game from my RBs. You can do it! My current Fantasy Football Mood is Totally Not Using Google Maps to Find the Easiest Route to Leave a Bag of Flaming Horse Shit on Jay Cutler's Doorstep.