The Draft! (There was one?)

OK, let's break down the draft!

Short version: u mad bro?

Long version: As the title of the blog states, we're hate drafting. That means one of two things:

1. Draft the person you think would help your opponent the most, regardless of his value to you aka
2. Draft potentially valuable but more than likely busts with decent ceiling but massive downside aka The Minnesota Timberwolves method. (Yes, I'm using David Kahn methodology for drafting)

A quick aside, I did not really consult much in regards to draft manuals or web sites to decide my drafting order. I knew who my first two picks would be (more on that later) but the rest was simply looking at who was available, seeing what I needed, and going for it. This strategy has brought me multiple middle-of-the-pack finishes over the years. I've finagled a championship or two out of it. Look, I'm not going to pay for All-22 access on nfl.com or pour over lists and lists of Number of Targets and Regression to Mean and 2nd Half Ass Scratching Tendencies of the Offensive Coordinator (Kevin Gilbride, I'm looking at you). This isn't a money league, so I look at it as an inverse relationship: the more time I spend pouring over data and facts and necessary information, the less time I enjoy the experience. I know there are people out there that derive their joy from spreadsheets and data mining. If that was my idea of a good time, I'd go play Eve Online.

What I have going for me is my many years of watching football, listening to various talking heads on TV and radio, and an infallible trust of myself (aka Jay Cutler syndrome, also more on that later). I do wish I played against people I knew as opposed to random leagues. I feel my trash talk abilities are waning. Anyway on to the draft!

We've got a 10 team league and I am picking 9th and 12th in the first two rounds. As mentioned before I knew who my first two picks would be and I had a strong feeling both would be available.

ROUND 1, 9TH PICK: JIMMY GRAHAM, NEW ORLEANS SAINTS

Yep, grabbed a TE in the first round. I'm breaking all the rules man. To me, it's like drafting a WR. Look at the game tape! The big 3 backs of Foster, Rice, and McCoy went 1,2,3. Jones-Drew was 8th. Megatron 5th. Plus the prettiest QB (Brady) and the one I wouldn't let near my kids because he looks like he drives a panel van (Rodgers) were taken too. In this context, considering how great Graham was and how Gronk was really his only equal in regards to TE I felt it wasn't too early to go for greatness.

ROUND 2, 12TH PICK: ROB GRONKOWSKI, NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS

And this was where the chat log lit up. Everyone is assuming trade. Questioning why I would take TE option 1B after taking TE 1A. I'm cornering the market! Mortimer and Randolph Duke would be so proud of me.

There are what, 3 guaranteed elite QBs (Brady, Rodgers, Brees) with very close options behind (Stafford & the Manning Bros) and wild cards like Ryan and Vick. Same with RBs. The gap between great and almost great is narrow. Calvin Johnson has some space in WR. The gap would be even closer if poor Larry Fitzgerald had ANYONE who could throw him the ball. But with TE, it's Gronk and Graham and pray for Tamme. Their greatness exceeds the pretty goods by a large enough margin, it's not even funny. Yes, this means I've missed out on a stud WR or RB but I'm getting consistancy and insurance for injury. I can permanent marker 10+ points a week for TE regardless of who I start. BOOM-SHAKA-LAKA!

ROUND 3, 29TH PICK: JAMAAL CHARLES, KANSAS CITY CHIEFS

My first risk. Coming back from a blown out knee is never a good start. Not to mention he's got a guaranteed goal line vulture in Peyton Hillis but I couldn't say no. He always seems to be a threat to break a long one plus he wants to show he's 100%. As long as that is true, I see him being used to take pressure off Matt Cassel and set up the play action pass.

ROUND 4, 32ND PICK: HAKEEM NICKS, NEW YORK GIANTS

The Giants are a passing team plain and simple. Victor Cruz was already gone but I would have drafted Nicks anyway. He's bigger, so he'll see more red zone targets and targets in traffic. Cruz relied on the big play so I'd rather have a better week in, week out projection than the peaks and valleys I forsee Cruz having.

ROUND 5, 49TH PICK: AHMAD BRADSHAW, NEW YORK GIANTS

A double dip from the G-Men. Barring an injury or seventeen, they will be putting points on the board. I know I just said they were a passing team not 7 sentences ago but the Law Firm had double digits TDs for the Pats on a pass first, second, and third team last year. Bradshaw will be in a similar position and he won't have to worry about mislabled defensive tackle Brandon Jacobs vulturing any.

ROUND 6, 52ND PICK: BRANDON LLOYD, NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS

He's a deep threat receiver on an offensive juggernaut. We all saw what Randy Moss did. Now, Lloyd is no Randy Moss but even at 60% of Moss's numbers this could be a steal. Or he may not be able to learn the playbook to Brady's liking and get Ocho Cinco'd out of town. Hmmm...

ROUND 7, 69TH PICK: ERIC DECKER, DENVER BRONCOS

I wanted Demaryius Thomas. I got Eric Decker. I've heard a lot of people talk about how Peyton Manning will prefer Decker's route running and predictability over Thomas's nature talent and reliance on his speed/strength. Yes, there will be enough passes for both of them. If I were in a PPR league I'd feel better, but really my WR3 is going to be match up based anyway so Decker has value but man I wanted Thomas!

ROUND 8, 72ND PICK: JAY CUTLER, CHICAGO BEARS

FUCK! FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCK! I kept saying to myself I need a QB. I specifically targeted 3 QBs who I felt would be available around here and could match up very well with the 1st round QBs: Phillip Rivers, Eli Manning, and Matt Ryan. Don't all 3 go 65, 66, and 68. Sonavabitch! So now I'm looking at the real stretches. QBs who are all as likely to pass for 325 and 3 TDs as they are to pass for 174 and 4 INTs. I figure Cutler's the best of the worst. He's got Brandon Marshall now. Of course, his O-Line is still terrible and he WILL make 5 throws a game that show more irrational confidence then J. R. Smith hoisting 30ft bombs. I feel I am officially fucked.

The rest goes like this:

• Isaac Redman, Pittsburh Steelers - Someone has to run the ball, right?
• Denarius Moore, Oakland Raiders - May outscore Decker, my sleeper pick!
• Donald Brown, Indianapolis Colts - Maybe figured it out, don't want to put too much on Luck's shoulders (Who the fuck am I kidding? If I'm lucky they committ to a run game 6 games into the season. Luck will pull a rabbitt in week 2 or 3 and the next few weeks will be the Colts having Luck fling bullets 40-50 times per game until realizing, "Oh shit! He's good. Real good, but I wish there was some way to get a safety up close to the line. Oh yeah! Run the ball!") But when that happens, I'll be ready!
• Malcolm Floyd, San Diego Chargers - V-Jax is gone, he knows the system, Ryan Matthews will get injured, Antonio Gates will get injured. Phillip Rivers needs to throw the ball to someone, right?
• Ryan Fitzpatrick, Buffalo Bills - You know what's going to happen. I'll base my starting QB on the matchup between Fitz and Cutler. Whoever I start will throw the afforementioned 174 and 4 INTs while the one on the bench throws the 325 and 3 TDs. Book it.
• Buffalo DEF and Matt Bryant, Atlanta Falcons - Because I have to draft a kicker and a DEF. I'm telling you right now, I will pick a new DEF every week. I think it's easier to find the crappiest offense team in the NFL and pick the DEF playing against them as a Free Agent. Between Cleveland, Jacksonville, and the Jets I wil always find a DEF I am happy with. I will also have a new kicker whenever I have to drop Bryant for the bye.

So there we have it. That QB situation is really going to hose me. I might have to look into trading Gronk for a QB. (Aaron Hernandez is going to get more targets at Gronk's expense and I think Graham will actually score more points than last year). Aside from that, I like it. I made sure to draft my sleeper pick I submitted for the Grantland competition just so when he has a big year, I can tell them to SUCK IT!